I grew up in a God loving, Christian family. I loved God, I lived a good Christian life. Yet when I lost my pregnancy, I refused to step in Church for several months. I couldn’t understand why a loving God took away my innocent son. What did he wrong? What did I do wrong? I started to list off all the things I might done to deserve such a punishment. I didn’t get much help from the Church either. It didn’t help that I had just moved to a new neighbourhood and hadn’t built ties with my local church. I felt abandoned by God who I have built a strong friendship and served all my life. I was angry.
I had always believed that God would not give us more than we could bear and that everything worked on to good for those who loved Him but when I lost my baby, I felt so betrayed I couldn’t even pray.
I don’t feel that way anymore. If anything my faith is stronger than ever. So what changed? I can say with the utmost confidence that it wasn’t through anything I did. I think having had a lot of faith in God for so many years helped me to weather the storm after the first few months of anger, guilt and grief. I do know that my family was praying very hard for me. I learnt that my mum would spend entire nights in prayer for me. I have heard that a mother’s prayer is very powerful.
It has helped that I am able to turn my experience as a springboard to help so many women who are struggling to get pregnant or have lost their pregnancies. And while I might not see the entire picture, I can see enough to know that my loss has been instrumental in making a difference to other women. My pain wasn’t in vain. I believe that God has a plan for each and everyone one of us including the babies we lost. Sometimes, we can see how events fit into that plan, other times we can’t. We do need to support one another to remain strong when things go terribly wrong.
Is it good to be angry or upset with God when tragedy strikes? Perhaps not but I think He understands. If you are struggling with your faith after pregnancy loss, it is completely normal. Be patient with yourself and when you can, ask God to reveal Himself to you and He will strengthen you. Reach out to others who can support you.
Did your pregnancy loss affect your faith?